Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Nanay:  Anak, 'di ka ba nahihiya?!
             Linis ako ng linis dito, tapos ikaw laro ka lang ng laro diyan?

Anak:  Inay, hindi ba mas nakakahiya kung ako nglilinis diyan
           tapos ikaw nglalaro dito?!.


ipinoyjokes.com

Pinoy Jokes

Misis: Walanghiya ka! Bakla ka pala...!
          Baklaaaa!!!!!!
          Diyan ka na nga!!!...

Mister: Darling, saan ka pupunta?

Misis: Maghahanap ako ng tunay na lalake!!!

Mister: Dalawahin moh hah! Tig-isa tayoh....
 
        Haha!!

Pinoy Jokes

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Lasing 1: Pare! Bibilhin ko yung
MOA at LRT bukas!
Lasing 2: Ayala malls at MRT
bibilhin ko eh.
Lasing 3: Weak! PLDT,
MERALCO, BDO, LANDMARK bibilhin ko bukas!
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .
.
.
.
.
. Lasing4: Kakapal ng mga muka
niyo! Sino maysabing
binebenta ko yung mga yun? 


www.ipinoyjokes.com

Lasing

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fact or fiction (you make the call):

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.

3. Married life is very frustrating.

.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.

7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.

9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.

13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.

14. Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:

Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.


www.ipinoyjokes.com


All about marriage

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Airforce: "No guts, No glory!"
Marines: "No retreat, No surrender!"
Army: "No pain, No gain!"
Naks ayaw patalo ang Security Guards: "No I.D, No entry!"







Sekyu

Saturday, November 20, 2010

"They told me at the blood bank this
might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was
meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool
resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve
work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt
me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest
problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the
wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name.
Amen."








Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Juan: Oys, ano yan? Pinya? Pahingi naman dyan.

Pedro: Pahingi? Nasaan ka noong nagbubungkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw? Nasaan ka noong nagtatanim ako habang kumukulog, kumikidlat at
bumubuhos ang malakas na ulan? Nasaan ka noong oras na nag-aani ako na nagkalat ang maraming ahas sa dadaanan ko, noong naghihirap ako sa pagpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka?

Juan: Nakakulong kasi ako noon! Nakapatay ako ng madamot!

Pedro: Ganun ba?
Kuha ka na, kahit ilan!
May langka pa doon!

www.ipinoyjokes.com

Madamot

A gorgeous lady was sitin alone in a bar.

Guy: Hi There!

The lady ignored him.

Guy: You caught my atenti0n as i enter the bar, is it ok to get your nember?

Lady: If you have a BMW, a house in boracay , millions of peso bank account and 7 inches penis, then you can get my number.
But I guess you do not have it, so my answer is no!

Guy: I do not have all those, I just have a FERRARI, an ISLAND in Palawan, a billion dollar bank account. And excuse me,
I won't cut 2inches of my penis just for your numbah...

In A Bar

Isang bata, nagpasa ng blank paper sa art teacher..a

Teacher: Bakit blank ang work mo?

Bata: Nagdrawing po ako ng baka at damo.

Teacher: (tinignan ulit ang papel) San ang damo?

Bata: Ubos na po,kinain ng baka.

Teacher: (kamot sa ulo) Eh nasaan yong baka?

Bata: Ano pa gagawin ng baka dyan, eh wala ng damo? syempre umalis na po. Common sense naman mam!


Common Sense

RICH VAMPIRE: Oorder ako ng fresh blood.
ORDINARY VAMPIRE: Sa akin isang order na dinuguan.
POOR VAMPIRE: Hot water na lang sa akin.
WAITER: Bakit hot water lang po.?
POOR VAMPIRE: Nakapulot kasi ako ng napkin sa kanto. Mag-tsa tsaa na lang ako... Hahaha!

May Tatlong Bampira sa Bar

Isang magasawa ang dumulog sa korte para magpaannul.
Judge: Ano ang dahilan para kayo magpaannul?
Babae : ( Nagsalita habang nakayuko ) Your honor, katawan lang ang gusto niya sa akin.
Judge : Anong pruyba mo?
Babae : ( Nakayuko pa rin ) Tuwing nag love making kami tinatakpan niya ng towel ang mukha ko.
Judge : Ikaw Mister bakit mo ginawa yun?
Mister : No comment your Honor. Just see for yourself.
Misis: (Nagalit at ihinarap ang mukha sa Judge ) See bastos talaga ang taong yan.
Judge : (Habang nakatingin kay Misis. ) Annulment petition granted. Ikaw naman lalaki, bakit ngayon ka lang nagfile ng annulment? Ang tiyaga mo.

Katawan Lang

ANAK: 'Tay! Sino mas mahal mo, ako o si nanay?

TATAY: Syempre ikaw anak...

ANAK: Kaya pala kapag madaling araw,
ako po ay kinukumutan niyo
at si nanay naman po ay
hinuhubaran niyo...
sweet niyo talaga 'tay, a lab u....

Mahal ako ni tatay

Dad: Anak bili mo ko soft drinks.
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Dad: Coke!
Anak:Diet o Regular?
Dad: Regular!
Anak:Bote O Can?
Dad: Bote!
Anak: 8 oz. o Litro?
Dad: Punyeta! Tubig na lang!
Anak: Natural o Mineral?
Dad: Mineral!
Anak: Malamig o Hindi?
Dad: Hampasin kaya kita ng walis?
Anak: Tambo o ting ting?
Dad: Animal ka!
Anak: Baka o Baboy?
Dad: Layas!
Anak: Ngayon o bukas?
Dad: Ngayon na!!!
Anak: Hatid mo ko Indi?
DAd: Patayin kaya kita?
Anak: Saksakin o barilin?
Dad: Babarilin!!
Anak: Sa Ulo o Tiyan?
Dad: Pesteeeee!!!!
Anak: Ipis o Daga??
Dad: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

COMPLETE VERSION

Misis1: Lolokohin ko ang mister ko kunwari isa akong call girl.
Misis2: O sige game ako dyan!
Nakita ni misis1 c mister...
Misis1: Hello boy pwede ka ba ngayon?
Mister: Ayoko nga sa yo kamukha mo misis ko!


Call Girl

Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?
Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.
Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?
Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!

Nakakasalat

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".


Panalangin

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Sa Isang Jeep

Pasahero: Mama, magkano po yong pasahe?

Driver: 7 pesos yong minimum.

Pasahero: (Dumukot ito sa bulsa para kunin yong pera niya, ngunit sa 'di sinasadyang dahilan kulang yong pamasahe niya.) Patay, kulang 'tong pera ko. Paano kaya ito? (Nag isip ito at lumingon sa driver. Napansin niya na duling ito. Sabi niya sa kanyang sarili, tama duling 'tong driver sigurado 'pag nagbigay ako Ng 3.50 di diya mapapansin na kulang 'tong pera ko, kasi doble 'yong paningin nito. Inabot niya sa driver 'yong pera.

Ngunit laking gulat niya nong may sinabi 'yong driver sa kanya.

Driver: Kulang ito!

Pasahero: Anong kulang? Di ba sabi mo 7peso 'yong minimum?

Driver: Oo nga 7 pesos. Eh! Dalawa kaya kayo.

Pasahe

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Mga Holidays...
Q: ano ang holiday para sa mga nanay?
A: mothers day
Q: ano ang holiday para sa mga tatay?
A: fathers day
Q: ano naman ang tawag sa holiday ng mga buntis?
A: e di, labor day!
Q: ano ang tawag sa holiday para sa mga binata?
A: Palm sunday!!!

Misis
Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang lalaki?

A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang laman ng ref niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa kama para matulog. Ang may asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na lang sa kusina para buksan ang ref nila.

Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya.

A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya.

Satanas
Q: Ano ang sinabi ni Satanas nang ipanganak AKO?

A: “Lintek! Isa na namang anghel ang ipinanganak.”

Q: Ano naman ang sinabi niya nang ipanganak KA?

A: “Oh, no! Hindi puwede ito! Ayoko pang mag-retire!”

Fish
Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya?

A: I’m daing!

Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa gitna?

A: I’m tuna (two na).

Insurance
Q: Ano ang pagkakatulad ng sex at insurance?

A: Habang tumatanda ka, tumataas ang presyo.

Ano daw?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries
, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Dictionary for Women

Saturday, July 31, 2010

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Rules For Women

Monday, March 8, 2010

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Noy Noy: Hindi ako magnanakaw!

Gibo: Ako din hindi din ako magnanakaw!

Erap: Ako babalik ako dahil hindi pa ako tapos magnakaw!

Villar: Ako din! Magnanakaw ako dahil malaki nagastos ko. Babawi na to.


GLORIA: Mga tanga wala na kayong mananakaw UBOS na.

Upuan

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

1. You point with your lips
2. You nod upwards to greet someone.
3. You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir".
4. You smile for no reason.
5. You flirt by having a foolish grin in your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
6. You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
7. You add an unwarranted "H" to your name, i.e. "Jhun," "Bhoy," "Rhon."
8. You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV
9. You like everything imported or "state-side."
10. You Check the labels on clothes to see where it was made before buying.
11. You always offer food to all your visitors.
12. You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
13. You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
14. You asked for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
15. You asked for a "pentel-pen" or a "ball-pen" instead of just "pen."
16. You order a McDonald's instead of "hamburger"(pronounced ham-boor-jer)
17. You say "Ha?" instead of "What."
18. You say "Hoy" to get someone's attention.
19. You answer when someone yells "Hoy."
20. You turn around when someone says "Psst!"
21. Your sneeze sounds like "ahh-ching" instead of "ahh-choo."
22. You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as "OA" for over acting, or "TNT" for, well, you know.
23. You say "air con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
24. You say "brown-out" instead of "black-out."
25. You have a portrait of "The Last Supper" hanging in your dining room.
26. You own a Karaoke System.
27. You own a piano that no one ever plays.
28. You own a "barrel man" (you pull up the barrel and you see something that looks familiar. schwing...)
29. You refer to your VCR as a "beytamax
30. You have a giant wooden fork and spoon hanging somewhere in the dining room
31. Your car has too many "burloloys" like a Jipneys back in P.I.
32. You hang a Rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
33. You order a "soft drink" instead of a "soda."
34. You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as "Ajinomoto"
35. This you 'll agree 100% ... Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairytale.

Ways To Know You Are A Filipino

Three friends La Sallite, a UP stude, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the guy from UP comes back to cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask? "Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."

Friends at Hunting

If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle
If you have no money, go to PUP.

Where To Go To College?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Little Nancy

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Lester went off on a country trip, but had gone only three blocks before he realised that he had left his call cards on the coffee table. He went back home and quietly went into the house. His wife was at the sink in a filmy negligee. She was so inviting that he sneaked up behind her and put his hand on her breast. Without turning round she said:

"Just one litre will do today, thanks. Lester's away on a trip for the rest of the week."

Not Expected

Friday, January 29, 2010

A 10 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a 100 dollar bill all die and go to heaven. God sees the 1 dollar bill and says he's been good, so he let him in. He also let the 5 dollar bill in for being good. When the 100 dollar bill went up to him, God said "Hmm, well I never see YOU in church."

When Money Died and Went to Heaven

Monday, January 18, 2010

Republika ng Peke
Peke nga produkto
Peke mga basketbolista
Peke mga gamot
Peke mga dokumento
Peke mga suso
at syempre
PEKE ANG PRESIDENTE.

GMA saved from near death. She asked the man who save her what reward he wants.
Man: Wheelchair po!
GMA: Bakit wheelchair 'di ka naman lumpo?
Man: Kasi po kapag nalaman ni Itay na sinagip kita, lulumpuhin niya ako!

GMA kidnapped by terrorist demanding 5 million ransom or will set her
on fire. Any donations appreciated. So far, 200 gallons of gasoline
received and still increasing.

GMA met Obama.
Obama: Our Filipino chef at the White House is truly great!
GMA: Yup! Magaling talaga kami sa “LUTUAN.”

Kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang scam!

GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ek ek.
GMA: bonggacious! eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! winnie santos mama, wiz na sori mama eclavou na ever! na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! maldita ka talaga vruha ka! eh di windra na naman watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate..
GMA: osha ba, matsala, may premyado ka iha!

GMA jokes

BF: Mam, pag na-install na ang mga BIKE LANES along EDSA, JOSE PIDAL
ang itawag natin. PGMA: Masyadong halata naman. Maganda kung BIKE
ARROYO!

Bike Lanes

Monday, April 6, 2009

Erap was asked by a gradeschooler to test his english ability.
Kids : Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence.
Erap: (after 15 minutes of silence) DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE,
DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!!

Use In A Sentence

FVR: Sorry I'm late! Brownout! Na-stuck ako sa elevator for 1 hour.
ERAP: Wala 'yan! Ako 3 hours sa escalator...

Stuck...

Anak: Itay baksak ako sa English recitation!
Tatay: Bakit, ano ba tanong?
Anak: Ano daw ba ang definition ng effort?
Tatay: Anak ano ka ba? ang b**o m o naman effort lang 'di mo pa alam... ang effort ay 'yong nilalandingan ng eroplano!

Effort

Russian: We are first to step on Mars.
American: We are first to step on Moon.
Russian-American: How About you Mr. Erap, What have you DONE?
Erap: Me? I'm first to step on SUN!.
Russian-American: But, we can't go to Sun its to hot in there?
Erap:(Naiinis pa) What do you think of me idiot? WE GO THERE AT NIGHT!

First Man in the Sun

1. Use KITCHEN and CURTAIN in a sentence.
...Wag mo akong CURTAIN masa KITCHEN.

2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
...(phone rings).....Hello? Who
SCHOOLING?

3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond
ring.

4. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill
you.

5. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
...You can order that medicine over
DECANTER.

6. Use DELETION in a sentence.
...The balat of DELETION is crispy.

7. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
...Who baked all DESPISE?

8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a
sentence.
...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this
boy to get DIFFERENTIAL
consent so he can go to the picnic.

9. Use BORROW in a sentence.
...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.

10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka,
CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.

11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain,
pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.

12. Use CADET in a sentence.
...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi.
Ngayon, ikaw naman ang
CADET niya.

13. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano
in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.

14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro
noong isang gabi.

15. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay
niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.

16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong
DEDICATE iyan.

17. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na
tayo.

18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya
pwede na tayong kumain.

19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION
pumutok.

20. Use LAITY in a sentence.
...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.

21. Use MENTION in a sentence.
...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang
MENTION.

22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a
sentece.
...Anak mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA'.

Used in a Sentence

Isang lasing nasalubong ang matabang babaeng may aso...
Lasing: Hoy, san mo nakuha 'yang baboy?
Babae: Aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: Wag kang sumabat! 'Yong aso ang kausap ko!

Lasing

Pasyente: Doc takot ako sa bunot eh!
Dentista: Heto gamot pampalakas ng loob.
Pasyente: (uminom ng gamot)
Dentista: Matapang ka na ba?
Pasyente: Oo doc, 'pag may gumalaw sa ngipin ko gugulpihin ko!

Matapang

Pedro: Ba't ka malungkot,pre'?
Juan: Ang asawa ko, nag-hire ng driver, gwapo, bata at macho.
Pedro: Ba't nagseselos ka??
Juan: NAGTATAKA LANG AKO, KASI WALA NAMAN KAMING SASAKYAN EH!!!!

Nag-hire ng Driver

Isang araw nagpunta si Maria sa Dentista. Pag upo sa silya biglang tinanggal ni Maria ang panty sabay bumukaka.

Nagulat ang dentista at sabi kay Maria: "Oi Maria, dentista ako, hindi ako OB-GYNE".

Sagot ni Maria, "Alam ko po Doc, pero di ba kayo gumawa pustiso ng mister ko, so please paki tanggal lang po!!!

A Dentist's Joke

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Dalawang lasing ang nag-uusap sa bar.
Lasing1: Oi pare, ang gwapo mo!
Lasing2: Pare ikaw din.!
At malakas na halakhak ang lumabas sa bibig ng 2 lasing BwaHaHaHa.
Lasing1: Ang birthday ko, October 15 1984, ikaw pare kailan birthday mo?
Lasing2: Aba! October 15 din ako, at 1984 din 'yong birth year ko!
Lasing 1 at 2: BwaHaHAHa!
Lasing2: Pare, nagtapos ako ng high school sa Manila High. Ikaw pare?
Lasing1: Ha? Akalain mong don din ako nagtapos!
Eh ang name ng tatay ko ay Rudy at ang ang nanay ko si Maria.
wag mong sabihin na 'yon din name ng parents mo?
Lasing2: Pare, 'yon din pangalan nila! Ang apelyido ko Pascual, sa 'yo
Lasing1: Pascual din pare, pareho tayo! BwaHaHaHa!
(narinig sila ng bartenter at binulungan nya ang katabi nya)
Bartenter: Tol', 'yong kambal na Pascual lasing na naman.

Parehong Lasing

There is a magic mirror in the Malakanyang Palace that when you say a lie infront of it a magical hand will slap you in the face.

First, Jules Ledesma tried it. He said, "I think I am the tallest person in the whole Palace." A hand came out and slapped him on his cheek.

Then came Gloria Arroyo who said, "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole Palace." The same story, a slap on the face.

Later, Erap Estrada came because he heard the magical power of the mirror and wanted to try it out... He said, "I think...", before he could even finish his sentence, he found a big red slap mark on his whole face.

Magic Mirror

Barbero in Pagupit po...
Lalake: Magkano na ang gupit?
Barbero: P150.00.
Lalake: Paano naman kung ahit lang?
Barnero: P50.00.
Lalake: Sige, ahitan mong ulo ko.

Pesteng Buhay
Tatay: Pesteng buhay na to! merong kaldero, walang BIGAS! merong lampara, walang GAS! merong gripo walang TAGAS! dagdagan pa ng asawang walang HUGAS-HUGAS paano pa TITIGAS!!

Few-to
One day there is an american girl, nakakita siya ng puto...
Girl: Is that few-to?
Tindera: Do you mean puto?
Girl: Yes!
Tindera: Ah ok! What color do you want few-la or few-ti?

A Divorce Hearing
Wife: We were very happy for over a year, your Honor, and then BABY came.
Judge: Boy or Girl?
Wife: your Honor, a model who moved next door!!

Horoscope
GF: Bhe, ano ung horoscope mo?
BF: Ano 'yong horoscope?
GF: Halimbawa 'yong sa akin cancer.
BF: Ah, 'yong sa akin almuranas.

Hugis Ng Mundo
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, ma’am!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero ma’am, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

Text Jokes

Manghuhula: Sorry Misis, but your husband will meet a violent death.
Wife: Alam ko po 'yon, ang gusto kong malaman kung maaabsuelto ba ako??

Playing Safe

Mga klase ng gatas ng babae ayon sa research...
Dalagita: fresh milk
Dalaga: pasteurized
Bagong Kasal: skimmed
Matagal ng Kasal: yogurt
Matandang dalaga: taho
Lola: tokwa

Milk

Sakay ng eroplano ang Kapitan at mga baguhang paratroopers...
Kapitan: Oh, Erap lundag na.
Erap: Kapitan p'wede po bang magtanong bago ako lumundag?
Kapitan: Ano 'yooon?
Erap: Paano po kung hindi bumuka itong parachute ko?
Kapitan: 'Wag kang mag-alala bata, may usapan na kami ng Supplier. Kapag hindi bumuka... papalitan!


Parachute

Friday, April 3, 2009

ERAP ordering coffee at Starbucks...
Barista: DECAF po ba?
ERAP: OO, alangan naman dePLATE, tanga!

Decaf?

In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked;
are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
"yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"

In A Party

Sa isang job interview...
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Juan: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo,
at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

Job Interview