Saturday, February 28, 2009

Pretty Or Ugly

Wife: Hon, am I pretty or ugly?
Husband: Uhm?.. both..
Wife: Anong both? Pwedeng pretty or ugly?
Husband: Ang ibig kong sabihin, you're pretty ugly.

Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition, which
causes your testicles to press on your spine, and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he
had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate
long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like
a different person. He could make a new beginning and
live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and
thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like
a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's
right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit.
It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and
then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's
see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years!" again the salesman answered.

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...
9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the salesman replied.

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I
was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't
wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

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Bulol

Anak: Itay, asan po ang 'yong GRIEF ko?
Itay: Ikaw, bata ka! Hindi ka pa rin natututo! BRIEF, hindi grief!
Anak: Ahh... Ehh... Asan po, Itay, 'yong brief ko?
Itay: Ando'n sa kuwarto, naka-HAMMER!

Hearing

Sa isang pagdinig...
Judge: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
Erap: ??! ('di nagsasalita).
Judge: Sabi ko, ano ba talaga nangyari?
Erap: ???!! ('di pa rin nagsasalita).
Judge: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
Erap: Aba! 'Kala ko ba hearing lang to???
Bakit may speaking?

Pangarap

Juan: Ang pangarap ko po ay kumita
ng twenty thousand dollars a month.
Kagaya ng tatay ko.
Teacher: Wow! Ang laki pala ng suweldo ng tatay mo.
Juan: Hindi po. Pangarap po niya yon.

What Is Science?

Teacher: Okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
Pedro: Ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
Teacher: Okay Pedro, what is science?
Pedro: Science is our lesson for today, ma'am!

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