The Best Filipino Jokes

All about marriage

2011-06-19T04:50:00.001-07:00

Fact or fiction (you make the call):

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.

3. Married life is very frustrating.

.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.

7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.

9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).

12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.

13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.

14. Marriage is love. Love is blind.

Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:

Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.

16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.

17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.

But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.

Sekyu

2011-03-03T05:20:00.001-08:00

Airforce: "No guts, No glory!"
Marines: "No retreat, No surrender!"
Army: "No pain, No gain!"
Naks ayaw patalo ang Security Guards: "No I.D, No entry!"

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

2010-11-20T04:31:00.000-08:00

"They told me at the blood bank this
might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was
meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool
resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve
work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt
me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest
problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the
wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name.
Amen."

Madamot

2010-11-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

Juan: Oys, ano yan? Pinya? Pahingi naman dyan.

Pedro: Pahingi? Nasaan ka noong nagbubungkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw? Nasaan ka noong nagtatanim ako habang kumukulog, kumikidlat at
bumubuhos ang malakas na ulan? Nasaan ka noong oras na nag-aani ako na nagkalat ang maraming ahas sa dadaanan ko, noong naghihirap ako sa pagpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka?

Juan: Nakakulong kasi ako noon! Nakapatay ako ng madamot!

Pedro: Ganun ba?
Kuha ka na, kahit ilan!
May langka pa doon!

In A Bar

2010-11-18T23:24:00.000-08:00

A gorgeous lady was sitin alone in a bar.

Guy: Hi There!

The lady ignored him.

Guy: You caught my atenti0n as i enter the bar, is it ok to get your nember?

Lady: If you have a BMW, a house in boracay , millions of peso bank account and 7 inches penis, then you can get my number.
But I guess you do not have it, so my answer is no!

Guy: I do not have all those, I just have a FERRARI, an ISLAND in Palawan, a billion dollar bank account. And excuse me,
I won't cut 2inches of my penis just for your numbah...

Common Sense

2010-11-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

Isang bata, nagpasa ng blank paper sa art teacher..a

Teacher: Bakit blank ang work mo?

Bata: Nagdrawing po ako ng baka at damo.

Teacher: (tinignan ulit ang papel) San ang damo?

Bata: Ubos na po,kinain ng baka.

Teacher: (kamot sa ulo) Eh nasaan yong baka?

Bata: Ano pa gagawin ng baka dyan, eh wala ng damo? syempre umalis na po. Common sense naman mam!

May Tatlong Bampira sa Bar

2010-11-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

RICH VAMPIRE: Oorder ako ng fresh blood.
ORDINARY VAMPIRE: Sa akin isang order na dinuguan.
POOR VAMPIRE: Hot water na lang sa akin.
WAITER: Bakit hot water lang po.?
POOR VAMPIRE: Nakapulot kasi ako ng napkin sa kanto. Mag-tsa tsaa na lang ako... Hahaha!

Katawan Lang

2010-11-18T17:43:00.001-08:00

Isang magasawa ang dumulog sa korte para magpaannul.
Judge: Ano ang dahilan para kayo magpaannul?
Babae : ( Nagsalita habang nakayuko ) Your honor, katawan lang ang gusto niya sa akin.
Judge : Anong pruyba mo?
Babae : ( Nakayuko pa rin ) Tuwing nag love making kami tinatakpan niya ng towel ang mukha ko.
Judge : Ikaw Mister bakit mo ginawa yun?
Mister : No comment your Honor. Just see for yourself.
Misis: (Nagalit at ihinarap ang mukha sa Judge ) See bastos talaga ang taong yan.
Judge : (Habang nakatingin kay Misis. ) Annulment petition granted. Ikaw naman lalaki, bakit ngayon ka lang nagfile ng annulment? Ang tiyaga mo.

Mahal ako ni tatay

2010-11-18T17:42:00.000-08:00

ANAK: 'Tay! Sino mas mahal mo, ako o si nanay?

TATAY: Syempre ikaw anak...

ANAK: Kaya pala kapag madaling araw,
ako po ay kinukumutan niyo
at si nanay naman po ay
hinuhubaran niyo...
sweet niyo talaga 'tay, a lab u....

COMPLETE VERSION

2010-11-18T17:36:00.000-08:00

Dad: Anak bili mo ko soft drinks.
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Dad: Coke!
Anak:Diet o Regular?
Dad: Regular!
Anak:Bote O Can?
Dad: Bote!
Anak: 8 oz. o Litro?
Dad: Punyeta! Tubig na lang!
Anak: Natural o Mineral?
Dad: Mineral!
Anak: Malamig o Hindi?
Dad: Hampasin kaya kita ng walis?
Anak: Tambo o ting ting?
Dad: Animal ka!
Anak: Baka o Baboy?
Dad: Layas!
Anak: Ngayon o bukas?
Dad: Ngayon na!!!
Anak: Hatid mo ko Indi?
DAd: Patayin kaya kita?
Anak: Saksakin o barilin?
Dad: Babarilin!!
Anak: Sa Ulo o Tiyan?
Dad: Pesteeeee!!!!
Anak: Ipis o Daga??
Dad: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Call Girl

2010-11-18T17:31:00.000-08:00

Misis1: Lolokohin ko ang mister ko kunwari isa akong call girl.
Misis2: O sige game ako dyan!
Nakita ni misis1 c mister...
Misis1: Hello boy pwede ka ba ngayon?
Mister: Ayoko nga sa yo kamukha mo misis ko!

Nakakasalat

2010-11-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

Sakristan: Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?
Pari: Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.
Sakristan: Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?
Pari: Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!

Panalangin

2010-08-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

Pasahe

2010-08-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Sa Isang Jeep

Pasahero: Mama, magkano po yong pasahe?

Driver: 7 pesos yong minimum.

Pasahero: (Dumukot ito sa bulsa para kunin yong pera niya, ngunit sa 'di sinasadyang dahilan kulang yong pamasahe niya.) Patay, kulang 'tong pera ko. Paano kaya ito? (Nag isip ito at lumingon sa driver. Napansin niya na duling ito. Sabi niya sa kanyang sarili, tama duling 'tong driver sigurado 'pag nagbigay ako Ng 3.50 di diya mapapansin na kulang 'tong pera ko, kasi doble 'yong paningin nito. Inabot niya sa driver 'yong pera.

Ngunit laking gulat niya nong may sinabi 'yong driver sa kanya.

Driver: Kulang ito!

Pasahero: Anong kulang? Di ba sabi mo 7peso 'yong minimum?

Driver: Oo nga 7 pesos. Eh! Dalawa kaya kayo.

Ano daw?

2010-08-07T03:51:00.000-07:00

Mga Holidays...
Q: ano ang holiday para sa mga nanay?
A: mothers day
Q: ano ang holiday para sa mga tatay?
A: fathers day
Q: ano naman ang tawag sa holiday ng mga buntis?
A: e di, labor day!
Q: ano ang tawag sa holiday para sa mga binata?
A: Palm sunday!!!

Misis
Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang lalaki?

A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang laman ng ref niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa kama para matulog. Ang may asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na lang sa kusina para buksan ang ref nila.

Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya.

A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya.

Satanas
Q: Ano ang sinabi ni Satanas nang ipanganak AKO?

A: “Lintek! Isa na namang anghel ang ipinanganak.”

Q: Ano naman ang sinabi niya nang ipanganak KA?

A: “Oh, no! Hindi puwede ito! Ayoko pang mag-retire!”

Fish
Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya?

A: I’m daing!

Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa gitna?

A: I’m tuna (two na).

Insurance
Q: Ano ang pagkakatulad ng sex at insurance?

A: Habang tumatanda ka, tumataas ang presyo.

Dictionary for Women

2010-08-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries
, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Rules For Women

2010-07-31T04:40:00.000-07:00

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

2010-03-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Upuan

2010-03-06T05:14:00.000-08:00

Noy Noy: Hindi ako magnanakaw!

Gibo: Ako din hindi din ako magnanakaw!

Erap: Ako babalik ako dahil hindi pa ako tapos magnakaw!

Villar: Ako din! Magnanakaw ako dahil malaki nagastos ko. Babawi na to.

GLORIA: Mga tanga wala na kayong mananakaw UBOS na.

Ways To Know You Are A Filipino

2010-03-03T03:13:00.000-08:00

1. You point with your lips
2. You nod upwards to greet someone.
3. You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir".
4. You smile for no reason.
5. You flirt by having a foolish grin in your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
6. You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
7. You add an unwarranted "H" to your name, i.e. "Jhun," "Bhoy," "Rhon."
8. You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV
9. You like everything imported or "state-side."
10. You Check the labels on clothes to see where it was made before buying.
11. You always offer food to all your visitors.
12. You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
13. You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
14. You asked for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
15. You asked for a "pentel-pen" or a "ball-pen" instead of just "pen."
16. You order a McDonald's instead of "hamburger"(pronounced ham-boor-jer)
17. You say "Ha?" instead of "What."
18. You say "Hoy" to get someone's attention.
19. You answer when someone yells "Hoy."
20. You turn around when someone says "Psst!"
21. Your sneeze sounds like "ahh-ching" instead of "ahh-choo."
22. You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as "OA" for over acting, or "TNT" for, well, you know.
23. You say "air con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
24. You say "brown-out" instead of "black-out."
25. You have a portrait of "The Last Supper" hanging in your dining room.
26. You own a Karaoke System.
27. You own a piano that no one ever plays.
28. You own a "barrel man" (you pull up the barrel and you see something that looks familiar. schwing...)
29. You refer to your VCR as a "beytamax
30. You have a giant wooden fork and spoon hanging somewhere in the dining room
31. Your car has too many "burloloys" like a Jipneys back in P.I.
32. You hang a Rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
33. You order a "soft drink" instead of a "soda."
34. You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as "Ajinomoto"
35. This you 'll agree 100% ... Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairytale.

Friends at Hunting

2010-03-03T03:10:00.001-08:00

Three friends La Sallite, a UP stude, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the guy from UP comes back to cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask? "Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."

Where To Go To College?

2010-03-03T03:07:00.001-08:00

If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle
If you have no money, go to PUP.

Little Nancy

2010-02-08T02:25:00.001-08:00

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Not Expected

2010-01-30T03:48:00.000-08:00

Lester went off on a country trip, but had gone only three blocks before he realised that he had left his call cards on the coffee table. He went back home and quietly went into the house. His wife was at the sink in a filmy negligee. She was so inviting that he sneaked up behind her and put his hand on her breast. Without turning round she said:

"Just one litre will do today, thanks. Lester's away on a trip for the rest of the week."

When Money Died and Went to Heaven

2010-01-29T23:02:00.000-08:00

A 10 dollar bill, a 5 dollar bill, and a 100 dollar bill all die and go to heaven. God sees the 1 dollar bill and says he's been good, so he let him in. He also let the 5 dollar bill in for being good. When the 100 dollar bill went up to him, God said "Hmm, well I never see YOU in church."

GMA jokes

2010-01-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

Republika ng Peke
Peke nga produkto
Peke mga basketbolista
Peke mga gamot
Peke mga dokumento
Peke mga suso
at syempre
PEKE ANG PRESIDENTE.

GMA saved from near death. She asked the man who save her what reward he wants.
Man: Wheelchair po!
GMA: Bakit wheelchair 'di ka naman lumpo?
Man: Kasi po kapag nalaman ni Itay na sinagip kita, lulumpuhin niya ako!

GMA kidnapped by terrorist demanding 5 million ransom or will set her
on fire. Any donations appreciated. So far, 200 gallons of gasoline
received and still increasing.

GMA met Obama.
Obama: Our Filipino chef at the White House is truly great!
GMA: Yup! Magaling talaga kami sa “LUTUAN.”

Kung nag GAY LANGUAGE sana sila GMA at GARCI eh di walang scam!

GMA: hallow gracia!
GARCI: uy mother ever! na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ek ek.
GMA: bonggacious! eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
GARCI: flatshoes! winnie santos mama, wiz na sori mama eclavou na ever! na chorva na!
GMA: ang tarushki! maldita ka talaga vruha ka! eh di windra na naman watashi?!
GARCI: anufi ate..
GMA: osha ba, matsala, may premyado ka iha!

Bike Lanes

2010-01-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

BF: Mam, pag na-install na ang mga BIKE LANES along EDSA, JOSE PIDAL
ang itawag natin. PGMA: Masyadong halata naman. Maganda kung BIKE
ARROYO!

Use In A Sentence

2009-04-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

Erap was asked by a gradeschooler to test his english ability.
Kids : Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence.
Erap: (after 15 minutes of silence) DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE,
DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!!

Stuck...

2009-04-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

FVR: Sorry I'm late! Brownout! Na-stuck ako sa elevator for 1 hour.
ERAP: Wala 'yan! Ako 3 hours sa escalator...

Effort

2009-04-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

Anak: Itay baksak ako sa English recitation!
Tatay: Bakit, ano ba tanong?
Anak: Ano daw ba ang definition ng effort?
Tatay: Anak ano ka ba? ang b**o m o naman effort lang 'di mo pa alam... ang effort ay 'yong nilalandingan ng eroplano!

First Man in the Sun

2009-04-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

Russian: We are first to step on Mars.
American: We are first to step on Moon.
Russian-American: How About you Mr. Erap, What have you DONE?
Erap: Me? I'm first to step on SUN!.
Russian-American: But, we can't go to Sun its to hot in there?
Erap:(Naiinis pa) What do you think of me idiot? WE GO THERE AT NIGHT!

Used in a Sentence

2009-04-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

1. Use KITCHEN and CURTAIN in a sentence.
...Wag mo akong CURTAIN masa KITCHEN.

2. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
...(phone rings).....Hello? Who
SCHOOLING?

3. Use AFFECT in a sentence.
...Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond
ring.

4. Use ADIEU in a sentence.
...If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill
you.

5. Use DECANTER in a sentence.
...You can order that medicine over
DECANTER.

6. Use DELETION in a sentence.
...The balat of DELETION is crispy.

7. Use DESPISE in a sentence.
...Who baked all DESPISE?

8. Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a
sentence.
...I am looking for DIFFERENT of this
boy to get DIFFERENTIAL
consent so he can go to the picnic.

9. Use BORROW in a sentence.
...Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.

10. Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
...Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka,
CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.

11. Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
...Pare, ang dami-daming pagkain,
pero, ko-CONTEMPLATE.

12. Use CADET in a sentence.
...CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi.
Ngayon, ikaw naman ang
CADET niya.

13. Use BE COOL and I'LL BUY in a sentence.
...The tourist went to Mayon volcano
in I'LL BUY, BE COOL.

14. Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
...Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro
noong isang gabi.

15. Use CENTURION in a sentence.
...Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay
niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.

16. Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
...Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong
DEDICATE iyan.

17. Use DELICACY in a sentence.
...Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na
tayo.

18. Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
...Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya
pwede na tayong kumain.

19. Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
...Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION
pumutok.

20. Use LAITY in a sentence.
...Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.

21. Use MENTION in a sentence.
...Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang
MENTION.

22. Use ebonic word MOTHA' FUCKA' in a
sentece.
...Anak mag-ingat, ka baka MOTHA' FUCKA'.

Lasing

2009-04-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Isang lasing nasalubong ang matabang babaeng may aso...
Lasing: Hoy, san mo nakuha 'yang baboy?
Babae: Aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: Wag kang sumabat! 'Yong aso ang kausap ko!

Matapang

2009-04-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

Pasyente: Doc takot ako sa bunot eh!
Dentista: Heto gamot pampalakas ng loob.
Pasyente: (uminom ng gamot)
Dentista: Matapang ka na ba?
Pasyente: Oo doc, 'pag may gumalaw sa ngipin ko gugulpihin ko!

Nag-hire ng Driver

2009-04-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

Pedro: Ba't ka malungkot,pre'?
Juan: Ang asawa ko, nag-hire ng driver, gwapo, bata at macho.
Pedro: Ba't nagseselos ka??
Juan: NAGTATAKA LANG AKO, KASI WALA NAMAN KAMING SASAKYAN EH!!!!

A Dentist's Joke

2009-04-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

Isang araw nagpunta si Maria sa Dentista. Pag upo sa silya biglang tinanggal ni Maria ang panty sabay bumukaka.

Nagulat ang dentista at sabi kay Maria: "Oi Maria, dentista ako, hindi ako OB-GYNE".

Sagot ni Maria, "Alam ko po Doc, pero di ba kayo gumawa pustiso ng mister ko, so please paki tanggal lang po!!!

Parehong Lasing

2009-04-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

Dalawang lasing ang nag-uusap sa bar.
Lasing1: Oi pare, ang gwapo mo!
Lasing2: Pare ikaw din.!
At malakas na halakhak ang lumabas sa bibig ng 2 lasing BwaHaHaHa.
Lasing1: Ang birthday ko, October 15 1984, ikaw pare kailan birthday mo?
Lasing2: Aba! October 15 din ako, at 1984 din 'yong birth year ko!
Lasing 1 at 2: BwaHaHAHa!
Lasing2: Pare, nagtapos ako ng high school sa Manila High. Ikaw pare?
Lasing1: Ha? Akalain mong don din ako nagtapos!
Eh ang name ng tatay ko ay Rudy at ang ang nanay ko si Maria.
wag mong sabihin na 'yon din name ng parents mo?
Lasing2: Pare, 'yon din pangalan nila! Ang apelyido ko Pascual, sa 'yo
Lasing1: Pascual din pare, pareho tayo! BwaHaHaHa!
(narinig sila ng bartenter at binulungan nya ang katabi nya)
Bartenter: Tol', 'yong kambal na Pascual lasing na naman.

Magic Mirror

2009-04-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

There is a magic mirror in the Malakanyang Palace that when you say a lie infront of it a magical hand will slap you in the face.

First, Jules Ledesma tried it. He said, "I think I am the tallest person in the whole Palace." A hand came out and slapped him on his cheek.

Then came Gloria Arroyo who said, "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole Palace." The same story, a slap on the face.

Later, Erap Estrada came because he heard the magical power of the mirror and wanted to try it out... He said, "I think...", before he could even finish his sentence, he found a big red slap mark on his whole face.

Text Jokes

2009-04-04T18:33:00.000-07:00

Barbero in Pagupit po...
Lalake: Magkano na ang gupit?
Barbero: P150.00.
Lalake: Paano naman kung ahit lang?
Barnero: P50.00.
Lalake: Sige, ahitan mong ulo ko.

Pesteng Buhay
Tatay: Pesteng buhay na to! merong kaldero, walang BIGAS! merong lampara, walang GAS! merong gripo walang TAGAS! dagdagan pa ng asawang walang HUGAS-HUGAS paano pa TITIGAS!!

Few-to
One day there is an american girl, nakakita siya ng puto...
Girl: Is that few-to?
Tindera: Do you mean puto?
Girl: Yes!
Tindera: Ah ok! What color do you want few-la or few-ti?

A Divorce Hearing
Wife: We were very happy for over a year, your Honor, and then BABY came.
Judge: Boy or Girl?
Wife: your Honor, a model who moved next door!!

Horoscope
GF: Bhe, ano ung horoscope mo?
BF: Ano 'yong horoscope?
GF: Halimbawa 'yong sa akin cancer.
BF: Ah, 'yong sa akin almuranas.

Hugis Ng Mundo
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, ma’am!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero ma’am, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

Playing Safe

2009-04-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

Manghuhula: Sorry Misis, but your husband will meet a violent death.
Wife: Alam ko po 'yon, ang gusto kong malaman kung maaabsuelto ba ako??

Milk

2009-04-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

Mga klase ng gatas ng babae ayon sa research...
Dalagita: fresh milk
Dalaga: pasteurized
Bagong Kasal: skimmed
Matagal ng Kasal: yogurt
Matandang dalaga: taho
Lola: tokwa

Parachute

2009-04-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

Sakay ng eroplano ang Kapitan at mga baguhang paratroopers...
Kapitan: Oh, Erap lundag na.
Erap: Kapitan p'wede po bang magtanong bago ako lumundag?
Kapitan: Ano 'yooon?
Erap: Paano po kung hindi bumuka itong parachute ko?
Kapitan: 'Wag kang mag-alala bata, may usapan na kami ng Supplier. Kapag hindi bumuka... papalitan!

Decaf?

2009-04-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

ERAP ordering coffee at Starbucks...
Barista: DECAF po ba?
ERAP: OO, alangan naman dePLATE, tanga!

In A Party

2009-04-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked;
are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
"yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"

Job Interview

2009-04-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

Sa isang job interview...
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Juan: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo,
at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

A COW Story

2009-04-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

America has COWboy and COWgirl.
England has madCOW.
China has MaCOW.
Russia has MosCOW.
But the Philippines has the cutest COWs: iCOW at aCOW.

MakaDiyos

2009-04-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

Dad: Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?
Anak: Yes, Daddy.
Daddy: Maka-Diyos?
Anak: Sobra Dad.
Daddy: Nasaan siya?
Anak: Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!

Panglima

2009-04-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

Jinggoy: Dad, pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
Erap : (natawa) Trick question ba yan anak? Eh, di pang-lima,
kaya nga PIP ang tawag sa kanya, di ba?

Choking

2009-04-02T05:45:00.000-07:00

Erap: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!
Doc: Is it choking?
Erap: No, it is Max's.
Doc: I don't mean 'Chow King', I mean, are you choking!...
Erap: No, Doc! Serioso ako, Doc!

Feeling Cute

2009-04-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

God made nature green,
pero pinakialaman natin!
God made rivers clean,
pero pinakialaman pa rin natin!
God made me cute,
PLeaSe LANG! Pabayaan na lang natin!.

Short Jokes

2009-04-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

Mister: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyong ito,
ikaw na lang bahala sa mga bata!
Misis: Tumigil ka nga r'yan kung kailan tatlo na
ang anak natin saka mo naisip magpatule.

May naka-dinner date ako, may kulangot near her lip.
Sinabihan ko na lang na may kanin near her lip. Dinilaan niya at
Sabi - "Ikaw talaga, hindi naman kanin eh", ULAM.

Vet: Sorry po, patay na aso nyo.
Pinaliguan kasi ng anak nyo ng laundry soap.
Nanay: Anong masama sa sabon?
Vet: Di sya doon namatay, sa washing machine!

Picture

2009-04-02T05:24:00.000-07:00

Bartender: Sir, napansin ko bawat inom ninyo
tumitingin kayo sa bulsa ninyo.
Man: Ahh, ito? Picture ng Misis ko ito...
pag maganda na siya sa tingin ko, uuwi na ako.

Short Jokes

2009-03-31T05:35:00.000-07:00

Pasahero sa Eroplano
Sterwardess: Sir, chewing gum po para 'di
sumakit ang tenga nyo during the flight.
Pasahero: Thank you! (after 1 hour).
Pasahero: Miss, pano ba tanggalin tong chewing gum sa tenga ko?

Tayo ay Pinoy
Tayo ay pinoy, iisa ang ating lahi. Dugo mo
dugo ko, ilong ko. Kulay mo kulay ko.
Mukha mo? Hindi ko mukha oy!

Kaibahan sa Langgam at Elepante
Anong kaibahan ng patay na langgam sa patay
na elepante?
Sagot: Ang patay na elepante ay nilalanggam pero
ang patay na langgam hindi INEELEPANTE!

Free Delivery

2009-03-31T03:26:00.000-07:00

Jinggoy: Dad! Mangaganak na asawa ko!

Erap: Huh?? Oh, sige tumawag ka ng ambulansya! Dadalhin natin siya sa jollibee!

jinggoy: Bakit jollibee??

Erap: May free delivery dun!

By: kholeen

Old Maids Prayer

2009-03-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord, hindi ako hihiling para sa sarili ko,
kundi para po sa aking mga magulang.
Please lang po bigyan na ninyo sila ng manugang!
Amen.

A Philosophy Teacher Challenging a Student

2009-03-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Teacher: To see is to believe, have you seen God?
Student: No sir, I haven't!
Teacher: Then there is no God!
Student: Sir may I ask a question? Have you seen your brain?
Teahcer: No!
Student: Uwi na tayo wala pa lang utak si Sir!

For Dry Hair

2009-03-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!

Six or Eight

2009-03-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

Erap calls into a take-out pizza parlor.
Pizza man: Would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight?
Erap: Six, I don’t think I could eat eight.

Malalaki Po

2009-03-27T18:45:00.000-07:00

Sa seminario...
Madre: Father, pagsabihan mo naman 'yong mga seminarista.
Umiihi sila sa pader!
Father: Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo nang pansinin!
Madre: Naku! Father, malalaki po!

Why Not?

2009-03-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

GMA in her family riding an airplane...
GMA: What if I throw 1 check worth a million
pesos out of the window to make at least 1 filipino
happy?
MIKE ARROYO: Honey, why not throw 2 checks
worth half a million pesos to make 2 filifinos happy?
LULI ARROYO: Mom, why not throw 4 checks worth
quarter of a million to make
4 filipinos happy?
Finaly her grandaughter spoke...
Grandma: Why not simply throw yourself out the window
to make all filipinos happy?

Text Jokes

2009-03-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

Bob: Nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
Pulubi: Nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
Bob: Hindi na din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
Pulubi: Pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!

AMO: Inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: Off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: Oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)
NOSEBLEED!!

Unang Tao Sa Mundo
Sino ang unang tao sa mundo? Sabi ng mga HUDYO,
“kami”,dahil kami ang nagpako sa Diyos! Sabi ng INSTSIK,
“Hindi kayo,kami”! Bakit? Kanino kayo bili pako? Hehehehe

Police Chief: Guards,may nakawalang hoodlum!
Bantayan ang mga exits!
Guard: Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum
Police Chief: Paano nangyari ‘yun?
Guard: Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan!

A lover?
Nursing: Can cure a heartbroken and care for you?
Masscom: Who can speak out the love?
Law: Who can justify the love?
PMA: who can manage to give the best taste of love?
Teacher: Who can teach love in their own simplest way?
Itong malupit!
IT: Who can easily open, shutdown and restart the love?

Boy: May aaminin ako sayo
Girl: Ano?
Boy: Mahal kita!
Boy: Bakit di kana nagreply?
Boy: Papakamatay ako! Hawak ko na kutsilyo,isasaksak ko na (patay na si boy)
Girl: Nag-CR ako,sory po! Still there?
Lesson learned: Isama ang phone sa CR.

Kapag Umutot
Pag Americano umutot: Excuse me!
Pag British naman: Pardon me!
Pag Espanyol: Excusar por que ututar!
Pag Pinoy: Di ako yun! Mamatay na ang umutot!

Head Nurse
Juan: Nurse pls bring me a hot waterbag, my toes are cold
Nurse: Your asking the wrong nurse, I’m the head nurse.
Juan:Ok…tell to the foot nurse need it now, thanks!

Utot sa kanta
Anak: itay,ano sa english ang utot?
Itay: Wind of change!
Anak: Eh ung utot na walang tunog?
Itay: Sound of silence!
Anak: Ung utot na may dalang ebak?
Itay: Dust in the wind!
Anak: Eh ung hindi sinasadyang utot?
Itay: Iyan ang careless whisper!

Chewing Gum
Sterwardess: Sir,chewing gum po pra di
sumakit ang tenga nyo during d flight.
Psahero: Tenk u! (aftr 1 hr);
Psahero: Ms,pano ba tanggalin tong chewing gum sa tenga ko?

Ka-eyebol
Pedro: May ka-eyebol ako mamaya.. ano kaya itsura niya?
kasi sabi naya kamukha daw siya na celebrity.. “SH” ang simula
ng name…
Juan: Jackpot ka, Pedro! Baka SHeri or SHaina!
(matapos ang eyebol, uwi si Pedro)
Juan: Kumusta eyebol mo? Bakit ka malungkot?
Pedro: SHrek!

Emperador
Mommy1: Ano ang pinapainum mo sa baby mo?
Mommy2: "Promil" para sa matatag na pangarap. Eh, ikaw?
Mommy1: "Emperador" para sa totoong tagumpay!

Tulong

2009-03-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

Sigaw ng nire-rape na babae: Tulong! Tulong!
Rapist: Wag ka ng humingi ng tulong, kaya ko itong mag-isa!
Babae: Sure ka? Ah, okay! 'Wag na! 'Wag na! Kaya na daw niya mag-isa!

Elevator

2009-03-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

Berto: Magkano ibabayad natin?
Ricardo: T*nga! B*bo! G*go! Ignorante! Bogok! Stupido! Walang utak! 'Di ka nag-iisip!
Bakit ka magbayad... Eh, wala pang kundoktor.

For Adults Only

2009-03-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

Love Can...
Love can make all wrongs goes right.
Love can move mountains.
Love can add color to your life.
And love surely can remove underwears.

Lola't lolo
Lola: Alam mo honey kapag katabi
kita at nag- aalmusal tayo, nag-iinit parin ako!
Lolo: Paanong di ka mag-iinit,
eh nakalaylay yang dede mo sa kape!

Condom sa Napkin
Sabi ng condom sa napkin,
"Pag nagtrabaho ka, mawawalan ako ng negosyo
sa loob ng 7 days!" Sagot naman ng
napkin, "G***! Pag pumalpak ka naman
9 months tumigil negosyo ko."

Girl asked bf...
GF: If my right leg is your lunch and my left leg
is your dinner, which would you prefer?
BF: I prefer eating between meals...
GF:..Ahhhh…... hungry!..

Ang tunay na SMB:

*Sama Mo Babae
*Silip Mo Boobs
*Suklay Mo Buhok
*Salat Mo Butas
*Sipsip Mo Biyak
*Saksak Mo Balon
*Sakali Ma Buntis
*Support Mo Bata
*SMB!

Q: Pa'no mo malalaman kung taga-Dunkin ang ka-sex mo?
A: Pag ang sinagot - Sounds great! Tastes even better!

Man buying condom.
Lady: What size sir?
Man: Um, I don't know.
Lady: Okay. May I hold your penis for the size?
Lady: I think your size is small, wait, medium, wait, large. Oh, ah s***, give me tissue.

Woman in restaurant sees the chef flattening the hamburger with his armpit.
Girl: That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
Chef: You should see how we make the donuts.

Sa Isang Museum

2009-03-20T04:17:00.000-07:00

Juan: Ito bang pangit na ‘to ang tinatawag nyo na “ART”?!
Ang pangit, nakakasuka! Painting ba to?
Guide: Hindi po sir, salamin yan!

About Mind

2009-03-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

Galileo: Great mind.
Einstein: Genius mind.
Newton: Extra ordinary mind.
Bill Gates: Brilliant mind.
ME? Never mind, as long as I’m cute, i don’t mind!

Pulis at Chinese

2009-03-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

Pulis: 'Eto bayad ko sa kape.
Chinese: Aba, bakit ka bayad?
Pulis: Utos ni chief, wala nang kotong.
Chinese: Aba sige, simula ngayon hindi na ako dura sa kape mo.

Lasang Gas

2009-03-19T07:14:00.000-07:00

Sa Isang Restoran...
Customer: Waitress! Ano ba 'tong binigay mo sa akin, kape o tsaa? Lasang gas 'to ah!
Waitress: Kung 'yan ay lasang gas, kape yan! Ang tsaa kasi namin lasang pintura!

Erap's Wisdom

2009-03-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

1. Don't judge a book for you are not a Judge.
2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
3. Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you mine.
4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.

Ako'y Babae

2009-03-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

Nagkaroon ng trouble ang airplane at sabi ng piloto "Fasten your seat belt".
Isang babae nag-panic at ang sabi:
"Ako'y babae, nais kong maranasan ang dapat maranasan ng isang babae bago bumagsak ang eroplanong ito! Mayroon ba sa iyong magpapatunay na ako'y babae?"
Tingin ang mga kelot at kinilatis si babae. Medyo may edad at medyo di maganda.
Walang nag-volunteer agad.
Sigaw ng babae: "Patunayan ninyong ako'y babae!"
"Ako!" sigaw ng isang pogi at matchong lalake habang ina-alis niya ang butones ng kanyang kamisedentro.
Nanginig ang babae habang lumalapit ang kelot sa kanya.
Tahimik ang lahat...
Hinubad ang polo at ini-abot sa babae. Sabe niya sa babae, "Pakiplantsa mo 'to!"

Short Jokes

2009-03-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

Pasyente: Dok... Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito.
Doc: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo... Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong pasyente"

Someday, a past love will come back to you and will say, "I still love you."
And you'll smile and say, "I know... miss mo ang romansa ko, 'no? Aminin!"

Kung totoo ang 'Darwin's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?

Inspiring quote of the day:
"Hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko."

Isa Lang Tama
Wag kang maniwala sa ibang tao, kasi baka mali ang advice nila!
Wag ka rin maniniwala sa akin , kasi baka mali din ako!
Isa lang dapat mong paniwalaan, RED HORSE!
Dahil ito ang tama!

Totoo ba ang away ni Dong puno at Ronie
Zamora? Divided na raw and cabinet sa dalawang
grupo: Ang makapuno at makaronie!

Di Pwedeng Mag-asawa
Bakit di pwedeng mag-asawa si Marc Logan at Beth Tamayo?
Kasi kapag sila ang nag-asawa magiging pangalan ni Beth Tamayo ay
Beth Logan.

Ssshh!… Ayon sa SURVEY, sa ganitong oras daw
ang mga CUTE ay nagte-txt na at ang mga pangit ay
nagbabasa pa lang.

Favoritism

2009-03-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

Sa loob ng klase...
Guro: Pedro, what is 6+9?
Pedro: Maam, 15 po!.
Guro: Very good!. 'Kaw naman Juan, what is 9+6?
Juan: Pambihira! Kapag mahihirap na sa akin napupunta...
Favoritism talaga, oh!

Below 18

2009-03-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

Erap and some companions went to a drinking bar...
when he noticed a warning sign “Below 18 not allowed”
Erap said, wag na tayong tumuloy, 11 lang tayo eh.

No Parking

2009-03-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

Pulis: Bakit ka pumarada dyan?
Hindi mo ba nakita ang “no parking” sign dyan?
Lalake: Nakita ko po, kayo po ang hindi ko nakita!

The Prize

2009-03-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

Wife: (Shouting...) Honey mag-impake ka na,
nanalo ako sa lotto!.
Husband: Wow! Anong dadalhin ko?!
Wife: Wala akong pakialam basta lumayas ka na!.

Zorro

2009-03-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOZ!
Misis: Dacoz? Sino 'yon?
Mister: DA COZ of all my ZORROs!

I-pin

2009-03-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Sinita ng PSG si Erap while entering the palace...
PSG : I.D. niyo sir?
Erap: Eto! (showed his I.D.)
PSG : I-PIN nyo sir.
Erap: Huh! (Kala ngipin... Erap gave a wide smile...)

De Lata

2009-03-14T04:42:00.000-07:00

Jinggoy: 'Dad ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.
Erap: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!
Jinggoy: Paano?
Erap: KANG GUDS!

Saan Nga Ba?

2009-03-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

A naked girl rode on a taxi...
"Bakit" asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan
nya, "Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?"
The driver replied, "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe
mo."

Lakas Kumain

2009-03-14T04:37:00.000-07:00

Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero 'di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag 'yong baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka.
Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o 'yong baboy?
Umayos ka 'nay! 'Wag ganyan!

Surgery

2009-03-14T04:22:00.000-07:00

Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
1. San 'yong gunting na bago? Ba't may kalawang 'to?
2. 10ml?! May nakasurvive na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!
3. Doc, ubos na po pala 'yong anesthesia.
4. Kanina pa bukas 'yong tiyan, asan 'yong pantahi?
5. Sunog! Sunog! Labas lahat!

So you want a divorce?

2009-03-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!

Don't mess with them!!

Acknowledge

2009-03-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

Konsehal: Paki acknowledge si Mayor. Late dumating, hayun kararaan lang!
Pedro (Emcee): I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LATE MAYOR WHO JUST PASSED AWAY.

Pilot and Brunette

2009-03-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette
and when they finished they headed to a hotel.
He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine.
When it arrived he put some red wine on the
brunettes lips and started kissing her. She asks
what the red wine is for and he replies, "For when
I have red meat - I have red wine." "Oooohh" she says.
A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone
and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later,
he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her t**s.
She asks what the white wine is for and he replies,
"For when I have white meat - I have white wine."
Eventually he works his way down to her cunt,
pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match,
sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire.
"Aaahhhhhhh, why the f*** did you do that!?!"
she yells. The pilot replies, "For when I go down,
I want to go down in flames."

Sa Isang Pizza House

2009-03-10T18:42:00.000-07:00

Erap: Anong mga specialties niyo?
Waiter: Sir, we serve all kinds of pizza.
Erap: Talaga?! Bigyan mo nga ako ng Shakey's !!

Nanalo

2009-03-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Erap in 3rd grade came home shouting.
Erap: Itay! Nanalo ako ng pahabaan ng ari.
Ama: G***! Pa'no ka di mananalo?! Eh bente anyos ka na!

Sa Bakery

2009-03-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.
Ale: Aba! Sosyal ka, ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake. Eto pandesal!
Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Birthday ko kaya today!

Bumps

2009-03-07T19:41:00.000-08:00

Pedro bumbs an american...
Pedro: Ay sori!
Foreigner: Sori 2!
Pedro: Sori 3!
Foreigner: What are you sori 4?
Pedro: ('kala mo bobo ako,huh) Sori 5!
Foreigner: I think you are SICK!
Pedro: (Natawa pa) hahaha! Sick daw, SIX Ogags!

Doc Talking to Moms

2009-03-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

Doc to 1st Mom, "Mahilig ka sa sweets, so you named her CANDY."
Doc to 2nd mom, "Mahilig ka sa pera, so u named him PENNY."
3RD MOM tumayo, "Let's go DICK! Bago tayo mainsulto dito!!"

Love Never Dies

2009-03-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

2 lovers plan a suicide. Boy jumped first.

Gal closed her eyes n returned back saying: Love is blind.

Boy in air opened his parachute saying: Love never dies.

Pilipino President

2009-03-07T03:42:00.000-08:00

Noong si Marcos ang Presidente, laging sinasabi "MABUHAY ANG PILIPINO."
Noong si Cory na, "TAYO'Y PILIPINO."
Noong si Ramos na, "TAAS NOO PILIPINO."
Nang si Erap na, "MABUHAY CASINO PILIPINO!"

Lowbat

2009-03-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

Juan: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
Pedro: Hindi eh! Ano ba pare?
Juan: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Q and A

2009-03-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

Question: What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Answer: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.

Feeling

2009-03-06T06:45:00.000-08:00

In a disco a woman approaches a man...
Woman: Hey, marunong ka bang mag-swing?
Man: (flattered) Ba't mo nga pala naitanong?
(smiling) Mukha ba akong dance instructor? (giving her a wink)
Woman: Hindi 'no! Mukha ka kasing unggoy!

Bamboo...

2009-03-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

"If you care for your lady friends, advise them not to marry men from
Las Piñas. Because, they have "bamboo organs."

Paniki

2009-03-06T06:38:00.000-08:00

A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy...
Baby: Does this mean I am an angel???
Fairy: (laughs) Of course not! 'Tong negrang 'to!
Ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!

Papalit

2009-03-06T06:36:00.000-08:00

Employee: Boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit
don sa pwesto ng manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: Ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung
papayag ang punerarya.

In A Party

2009-03-06T06:26:00.000-08:00

In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked;
are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said,
"yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"

Historical

2009-03-05T04:11:00.000-08:00

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare, baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical?
Man1: Hindi, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

Pulis at Intsik

2009-03-05T04:09:00.000-08:00

Pulis: Boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: Ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.